Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
