You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
