What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
