I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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