Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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