you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
