dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize