never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
