I am puke
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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