Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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