I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
