i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize