listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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