four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
