I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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