if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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