I wish I could teleport
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
