Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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