Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
