you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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