A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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