i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
