you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
