can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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