Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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