just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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