how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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