first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
