i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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