Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
