is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
