Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
