I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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