Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
