When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
