I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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