You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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