I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
