Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
