Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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