Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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