Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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