she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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