I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We had to coat check the pizza.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
