he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
