my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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