I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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