I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I cannot find my penis.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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