im six kinds of drunk right now
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize