ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is it penis luge time yet?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
