Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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