You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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