he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
false alarm, still single
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize