i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
