I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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