Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
