Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
