his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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