She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
