I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
