Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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